Paragraphs by listing and comparison

Ulises Misa & Brenda Laguarta

Professor: Stella Maris Saubidet Oyhamburu

Language and Written Expression IV

Institute: ISFD N° 41

Causes of Students’ Failure:

Preliminary Writing:

• A negative view of learning / negative attitude towards studying
• Lack of confidence / thinking they are not capable of improving
• Bad study habits / bad organization (of time)
• Procrastination
• Not supporting family - Irresponsible parents -  negative study environment

Version handed-in:
(Phrases underlined or in bold are the ones that needed to be revised)

Causes of Students’ Failure

One of the things that nowadays is worrying teachers and parents the most is students’ failure at school. Students’ inability to meet the academic standards required can be related to four different factors. First, a negative attitude towards studying can be really damaging since it prevents students from making a thorough effort when learning, which is correlated with good academic performance. Second, lack of confidence in oneself is detrimental, because on the one hand, students eventually conclude that they are not capable of improving, and also their abilities and talents remain hidden. Third, bad organization also prejudices students’ performance generating bad study habits and the feeling that there is never enough time for accomplishing tasks. Fourth, procrastination is a tough, harmful habit to break since students keep putting off tasks without realizing that it only promotes high levels of stress and a poor academic achievement. Since the four factors previously mentioned directly lead students to failure, they should be treated by parents, teachers and counsellors so as to foster students’ success at school.

Corrected version:

Something that could help parents, teachers and counsellors who want to know how to foster students’ success at school, is to identify the most common factors that can lead a learner to failure. To begin with, a negative attitude towards learning can be really damaging since it prevents the student from making a thorough effort when learning, which is correlated with good academic performance. Apart from that, the inability to meet the academic standards required can be related to the student’s lack of confidence in his own abilities, which results in the erroneous conclusion that he is not capable of improving. In addition to this, bad organization can be detrimental to a learner’s academic performance, generating bad study habits and the feeling that there is never enough time for accomplishing tasks. Closely related to this, procrastination appears as a tough, harmful habit to break because students frequently tend to postpone tasks without realizing that it only promotes high levels of stress and poor academic achievement. Therefore, being aware of the factors previously mentioned, and how they impact on the learning process of students, can be of benefit not only for the learner’s family, but also for the Educational Institutions responsible of promoting students’ achievement at school.

Working Women

Preliminary Writing 

Working women in the past and in the present. Similarities:

• They showed that they could do the same type of work usually assigned to men: For eg. women during the 1st World War worked in the factories because men were in battle. Nowadays, some women also work in areas typical of men (construction workers, pilots, etc…)
• Having to spend a lot of time away from home: leave their children at home/school; even little kids.
• Being the head of the family.
• Facing criticism.
• In the meantime, the Industrial Revolution was birthed and women began to be needed to fill unskilled worker roles in factories and mills.
• During World War I, and later WWII, scores of women filled the vacancies left by their brothers, husbands, and sons, doing everything from driving cabs and pumping gas to manufacturing and even designing war planes.

First draft

Humanity has evolved in a male-centered society. However, this attitude which considered women fit for certain jobs and not for others, has suffered different transformations throughout the last century. The traditional roles of men and women were established to ensure the power of the head of household. In that way, we have been socialized to expect men to be brave, industrious and domineering, whereas women have been expected to be submissive, timid and nurturing. Thus, females were dependent on men financially and lost their financial support as a consequence of separation, divorce, death or their partner's loss of employment. Moreover, women's status in each culture varies in different ways. In some societies, women's status improved gradually, while in other, it declined or remained unchanged. Nevertheless, as the natural form of society progressed, women strived toward a higher degree of independence in their life. Nowadays, we can generally say that women's place and function have been expanded from what they traditionally were in the past. Women do not have to rely on their husbands anymore to provide an economic backup for the home, although we cannot affirm that gender inequality has been completely held back.

Second Draft

Over the last decades, women have made notable changes in their labor force activities.. However, besides significant differences between the working women of the last centuries and the place that women take today in the worksphere, there are certain areas possible to be compared. Our past working women generations have showed that they could do similar type of work that the ones usually assigned to men. During World War I, and later WWII, uncountable women filled the vacancies left by their brothers, husbands, and sons, doing everything from driving cabs and mills to manufacturing and even designing war plans. Thus, those women who were then responsible for backing up the needs of their homes, while their relatives went to fight in war, they have become all of the sudden the main head of the family spending many hours away from home. Nowadays, it is more evidently that women are not only the bread winners of a considerable number of households, but also have achieved a greater progression towards total gender equality. Moreover, some women also take part in jobs that are typical of men such as factories, constructions or even pilots. Lilttle by little women around the world have probed to be reliable and determine for a branch of different activities despite their gender role. Unarguably, women have invariably been and will be an essential part in our lives and in the economy and status of different cultures.

Version handed- in:

Working Women

Although significant differences there exist between the working women during the 20th century and working women today, there are certain possible areas of comparison. Working women generations over the past century have showed that they were perfectly able to do the same type of work usually assigned to men, like driving cabs, working in mills, and even designing war plans. Thus, those women who were then responsible for backing up the needs of the family, while their relatives were fighting at war, had to become all of a sudden the main head of the family. This implied that women, spent many hours away from home. Also nowadays, women are disposed to work long hours, even when it implies being away from home and their children for a long time. In addition, it is becoming evident that more and more women are today the bread winners of a considerable number of households. Moreover, some of them also take part in jobs that are typical of men such as pilots, factory workers, or even construction workers. Unarguably, although the place women occupy in the working sphere today is different from that in the 20th century, there are still some similarities as regards the sacrifices women are willing to make in order to sustain the economy of the family.

Corrected version:

Working Women

            Despite notorious differences between the initiation of women in the work domain during the 1900s and the role they currently play in our society, important features of both could still be compared considering the type of work in which they take part. Working women generations over the past century have showed that they were perfectly able to do the same type of work usually assigned to men, like driving cabs, working in mills, and even designing war plans. Thus, those women who were then responsible for sustaining the needs of the family, while their relatives were fighting at war, had to become all of a sudden thehead of the family. This implied that women, spent many hours away from home. Also nowadays, women are disposed to work long hours, even when it implies being away from home and their children for a long time. In addition, it is becoming evident that more and more women are today the bread winners of a considerable number of households. Moreover, some of them also take part in jobs that are typical of men such as pilots, factory workers, or even construction workers. Unarguably, although the place women occupy in the working sphere today is different from that in the 20th century, there are still some similarities as regards the works required to be done by them in order to maintain the family economy in general.

Metacognitive Analysis:

Although writing a paragraph may seem a simple task, it is definitely not so. It required me to take an even deeper look to the written and aural theory. However, even after having done this, we failed in accomplishing the task successfully.

Personally, I could profit a lot from the feedback provided by the teacher, because it helped me to notice the mistakes committed. To start with, using a Topic Introducer was not exactly the best idea, since the topic was quite simple and could have been stated in one single sentence. Closely related to this is the fact that the Conclusion Sentence did not match the Topic Sentence, because I clearly misunderstood the idea of restating the topic but adding something more so as to keep the audience thinking. Also, regarding the choice of linkers, I could have been more creative instead of simply resorting to the so-commonly-used First, Second and Third. And finally, the writing should have been checked the writing again in order to detect any type of informal language, like phrasal verbs.

Bearing in mind all the mistakes, I had to revise the theory one more time so as to write the paragraph again trying to reach the standard required. And this task has been of particular interest to me because it gave me the opportunity to put the theory into practice, and even having failed, it has helped me to notice my weaknesses so that I can, hopefully, make better next time.